1 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:11,680 I want to put that on ma heid. 2 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:14,800 Know what I want to do? I want to put that on ma heid. 3 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,200 Don't ask me why. 4 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:31,320 Done! 5 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:34,760 Ha, ha, ha, welcome to Limmy's Show. 6 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,760 MUSIC: "Oxygene Pt IV" by Jean-Michel Jarre 7 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:46,720 You're watching Adventure Call. 8 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:49,840 My name is Falconhoof and I will be your guide on your quest. 9 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:52,480 Greetings, line two. What is your name, traveller? 10 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:56,120 Hi, Falconhoof, my name's Ewan! 11 00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:59,640 Greetings, Ewan. Are you ready to begin your quest? 12 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:01,600 'Just a moment. Shhh.' 13 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,840 - EWAN GLUGS - 'Ah!' 14 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:08,080 What was that you were drinking? It seems very delicious. 15 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:10,840 'It is! It's Barry's Red Cola!' 16 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:15,480 Ah! Barry's Red Cola. Sparkling, tasty and refreshing. 17 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:20,200 A great companion on any adventure. Are you ready to begin yours? 18 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:22,560 - 'I am now!' - Very well. 19 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:27,760 You awake in a giant's kitchen. You're on a plate. 20 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:29,720 Nearby is a steel goblet. 21 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:31,920 You hear thunderous footsteps approaching. 22 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:33,200 What would you like to do? 23 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,280 'Hide in the goblet!' 24 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:37,360 You climb over the lip of the goblet 25 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:39,200 and dive into a pool of... 26 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,200 Barry's Red Cola! 27 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,000 'Oh, really?' 28 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:47,240 - Yes, really. - 'Man, I love that stuff.' 29 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:48,600 Me, too. 30 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:52,360 The giant searches the room for you. He glances towards the goblet. 31 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:53,800 What would you like to do? 32 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:56,320 'Drink Barry's Red Cola!' 33 00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:59,280 You drink the delicious Barry's Red Cola. 34 00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:04,920 The goblet is empty. 35 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:08,080 You sit at the bottom of the goblet, safely out of view. 36 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:09,560 Good idea, traveller. 37 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:11,600 'I have a confession, Falconhoof. 38 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:15,520 'It was luck! I just couldn't help drinking all that Barry's Red Cola!' 39 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:18,000 Ha-ha-ha. I hear you! 40 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:21,280 Unfortunately, the giant also loves Barry's Red Cola 41 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:24,040 and begins refilling the goblet from his bottle. 42 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:25,480 What would you like to do? 43 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,920 'Drink Barry's Red Cola!' 44 00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:31,680 You drink the Barry's Red Cola as it pours over you. 45 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:36,520 Barry's Red Cola also tastes great straight from the bottle. 46 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:39,840 You remain out of view at the bottom of the goblet. 47 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:41,680 Another great idea, traveller. 48 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:44,000 But don't tell me it was luck. 49 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,000 you just couldn't help drinking all that... 50 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,840 - BOTH: - Barry's Red Cola! 51 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:50,480 'Hey, you can't blame me, huh?' 52 00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:55,800 No way, man! But the giant keeps pouring faster than you can drink! 53 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,240 You must act quickly. 54 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,040 'Let me think about it.' 55 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:02,720 HEARTY GLUGGING 56 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:04,080 'Ah!' 57 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,000 - Traveller? - 'Yeah?' 58 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,160 - You're dead! - 'Oh, no! What happened?' 59 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:11,640 You drowned in Barry's Red Cola. 60 00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:13,720 What a glorious way to die. 61 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:16,600 'Yeah. I was too busy enjoying the real thing.' 62 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,680 Ah, yes. What better way to enjoy red cola, 63 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:25,000 than the real thing, the REAL red cola, Barry's Red Cola. 64 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,160 CALLER HANGS UP 65 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:30,200 Let's take another call. 66 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,080 MUSIC: "Boom Boom Boom Boom" by Vengaboys 67 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:36,760 # Let's spend the night together 68 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,120 # From now until forever 69 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:41,920 # Boom boom boom boom, I wanna double boom 70 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:45,800 # Let's spend the night together, together in my room... # 71 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,560 What the...?! 72 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:56,400 Oh, hold on. I put it on for a laugh, but it's good - you should try it! 73 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,480 Oh, how you doing? 74 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:11,600 I was thinking of getting one of these. 75 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:15,440 - I was thinking maybe that one? - HESITANTLY: - Mmm, yeah, yeah... 76 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:19,480 Pretty standard, but... But, yeah, why not? 77 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:21,520 I might not even need that, you know? 78 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:23,320 I was thinking maybe, even just that? 79 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,160 That's... That one, It's, it's pretty basic. 80 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:30,840 Entry level. I mean, what... I wouldn't. Hsss... 81 00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:32,880 So what about that? 82 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:34,920 HE EXHALES SHARPLY 83 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:39,040 Serious bit of kit here. This is actually what I've got in the hoose. 84 00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:43,000 But I'm no' sure if I need all that, though, you know? 85 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,200 I might be fine with that. 86 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:48,320 That's... Basic, entry-level, that. Wouldnae get that. 87 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:51,080 You're thinking maybe more that? 88 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:54,160 - HE SQUEAKS: - Hmmm, yeah, it's pretty standard, but... 89 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:57,040 - Thinking more that one? - (Serious bit of kit. 90 00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:59,880 (It's a serious... I mean, you're talking...) 91 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:01,480 HE EXHALES SHARPLY 92 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:02,800 - No' that one. - Hsss. 93 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:06,120 That's entry level, basic, I mean, it's up to you. 94 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,360 I think I'll take that one. Thanks. 95 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:09,840 Miaow! 96 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:13,440 Here, how annoying is this? 97 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:18,600 No' annoying at all, eh? How about if I play this? 98 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,760 CHEESY REGGAE MUSIC 99 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:22,960 And I start doing this... 100 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,640 And I look like this. 101 00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:30,880 This is pretty annoying, in't it? 102 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:32,720 The hat, the top, the whole thing. 103 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,840 Aye, this is pretty annoying. 104 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,680 How about if I start doing this? 105 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:40,560 And this? 106 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:44,880 And occasionally do this? 107 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:50,320 And just to top it off, I do this. 108 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:53,120 GRATING, NASAL LAUGHTER 109 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:57,880 HE LAUGHS AGAIN 110 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,240 That's pretty annoying, in't it? 111 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:04,280 TENSE, DRAMATIC MUSIC 112 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:10,680 Drop the gun! 113 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,160 YOU drop the gun! 114 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,440 Drop the gun! 115 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,160 Slow-ly! 116 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:19,600 I ain't droppin' shit! 117 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,400 You want to do this the old way? 118 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:23,000 Let's do it! 119 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:27,040 Drop the gun, asshole. 120 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,720 You drop it, pigshit! 121 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:33,120 Drop the gun, dicksplash. 122 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:36,080 You drop it, lamewad. 123 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:39,320 Drop the gun, douchebin. 124 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:42,080 It's douche-BAG, you idiot. 125 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,640 Well, I say douchebin. 126 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,560 Well, I say drop the gun, douchebag. 127 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:50,320 Drop the gun, you mother-asshole. 128 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:53,520 You already said asshole. 129 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:57,360 This time I'm saying mother-asshole. 130 00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,000 You prick. 131 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,080 - You're the dick. - I said prick. Not dick. 132 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,120 But I'm callin' you a dick. 133 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,640 You wank! 134 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:07,920 I'll wank you, you dick. Shit! 135 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:12,360 Sheee-iit! 136 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:18,160 - TV: - And if you've been affected by any of the issues raised 137 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:21,560 in tonight's programme, call the number at the bottom of your screen. 138 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,040 'Hello?' 139 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,520 Hello, is this the number to phone if I've been affected 140 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:32,160 - by any of the issues in... - 'Yes, it is.' 141 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:35,240 Right, well, I've been affected 142 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,760 by some of the issues in tonight's programme. 143 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,840 'Ah, sorry to hear that, sweetheart. 144 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:42,600 'OK, thanks for calling. 145 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,080 'Bye for now!' 146 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:46,000 All right. Bye. 147 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,080 MAN HANGS UP 148 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,000 Miaow! 149 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,760 HE EXHALES DRAMATICALLY 150 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,280 HE HISSES 151 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:25,320 HE EXHALES DRAMATICALLY 152 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:34,720 Miaow! 153 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:44,440 Just going to leave that there. All right? 154 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,600 APPLAUSE 155 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:09,280 Hello, my name's Raymond Day, and welcome to Paraside. 156 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:12,040 Let's see where the spirit takes us. 157 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,320 Could someone understand, please? 158 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:21,040 I have here in spirit someone who, at the time of their passing, 159 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:25,440 looked very different from how they usually looked, 160 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,040 and not necessarily for the better. 161 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,440 You, my dear? 162 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,400 I think it might be my son. 163 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:33,800 It might be your son. OK. 164 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:37,200 And am I right in saying that this change in his appearance 165 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:39,200 was caused by...an illness? 166 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:41,680 Or an accident? Or...? 167 00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:45,200 Yeah, an accident. He was killed in a car crash. 168 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,640 A crash? Oh, God! 169 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:50,520 And you saw what had happened when you went to identify him. 170 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,360 Am I right? 171 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,360 Well, I was in the car with him, 172 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:57,840 but I had my seat belt on, so I survived but he didn't. 173 00:09:57,840 --> 00:09:59,480 Oh, lucky you! 174 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:06,040 No, no, you weren't lucky, because you saw your son and he was, 175 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:09,520 and he admits this himself, not a pretty picture. 176 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,400 LAUGHTER 177 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,720 His face was all over the place. Is that right? 178 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:18,440 Good, because he's telling me now, who's this? 179 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:20,120 My husband. 180 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,480 This is Husband. 181 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,920 You told Husband you couldn't get that face out of your mind. 182 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,400 Every time you closed your eyes, it was there. 183 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,240 It's just not how you want to remember your son. 184 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:33,160 But he's telling me now, 185 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:37,080 "Don't cry, Mum! they've put me back together again. 186 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,400 "All the king's horses and all the king's men 187 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,480 "have put me back together again." 188 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:44,680 Just like the nursery rhyme you used to sing to him, remember? 189 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:50,000 He just wants to come through to tell you that. 190 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,160 And that's him away. 191 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:53,480 APPLAUSE 192 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:57,200 But now he's away, I can tell you. 193 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:02,000 He's a mess. He's no different. He was trying to cheer you up, 194 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,640 but I thought you'd want the truth, 195 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,480 cos you're going to see it eventually. 196 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:11,520 - And don't worry, I think you'll have plenty of time to get used to it! - LAUGHTER 197 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:13,800 That was nice of him. I'll leave his love with you. 198 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:22,000 OMINOUS GROWLING 199 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,520 GROWLING 200 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,560 LOUD GROWL 201 00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:28,920 GROWLING 202 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:30,400 FEROCIOUS BARKING 203 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,760 I'm going to say something to you right now 204 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,840 that I've never said to another living soul in my life. 205 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:39,960 GIBBERISH 206 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:48,760 CHEESY CABARET-ACT MUSIC 207 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,840 'I hate my job. I hate my job, I hate it! 208 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:33,520 'I hate it, I hate it, I hate my job!' 209 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,000 BELL SOUNDS 210 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,760 Now there's a guy that hates his job. 211 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:43,400 DOORBELL SOUNDS 212 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:49,440 All right? 213 00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:52,280 All right? This is going to sound strange, 214 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:55,760 - but I used to stay here when I was younger. - Right. 215 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:59,680 And I was wondering, could I come in and have a wee look about? 216 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:01,880 I don't know about that, mate. 217 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,160 I knew it'd sound strange. 218 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:07,200 The thing is, me and my family are moving to New Zealand next week, 219 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:08,760 we're never coming back, 220 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:12,600 so I've been going about getting one last look at all my old memories 221 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,480 before I leave. Do you know what I mean? 222 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,880 I just thought I could maybe come back and have a wee look, 223 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,200 and, I don't know... 224 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:21,040 Aye, all right. Come in for a minute. 225 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:22,400 Oh, amazing mate, thanks a lot! 226 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:27,840 Oh, it's just how I remember it. This wall used to be Artexed. 227 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:31,680 In fact, I think the whole thing used to be Artexed. Remember Artex? 228 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:34,480 Aye, the Artex. Here, where are you going? 229 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:38,920 Sorry, mate, it's just, this used to be my bedroom. 230 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:40,400 Would you mind? 231 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,760 - No, no, on ye go. - Some man. 232 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,840 Oh, look at this, look at this. It's a lot wee-er than I remember, 233 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,240 but obviously I was wee myself, know what I mean? 234 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:54,280 Aye, it was yellow up to about there, 235 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:57,760 cos I started painting it yellow, but ran out of paint. 236 00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:02,680 - Eh, listen, could you, could you gie's a minute? - Aye, nae bother. 237 00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:05,320 - Tae myself? - Naw, I cannae do that, mate. 238 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:08,000 Listen, do you want to leave now? I'm pretty busy. 239 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,160 It'll just be a minute mate. 240 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:13,160 - I've got stuff to get on with. Come on. - No, just a minute! 241 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:15,080 What, are you asking or are you telling? 242 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:16,920 Now get oot! Get oot my fuckin' hoose! 243 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:20,200 All right, all right! I'm leaving! 'Sake! 244 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:28,720 FLOORBOARD SQUEAKS 245 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:56,520 Mate! Mate! 246 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,440 You looking for this? 247 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:02,640 Aw! 248 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,520 Oh, cheers mate! 249 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:17,440 Aw, chokin', man! 250 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:21,920 Couldnae do us another favour, give us 20 to get back to Royston? 251 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:23,320 Naw? 252 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:30,120 CHEESY REGGAE MUSIC ANNOYING LAUGHTER 253 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:33,960 Can't get much more annoying than this, eh? How about this? 254 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:36,720 SMASHING SOUND 255 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,360 Oh, sorry mate! 256 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:40,280 GRATING LAUGH 257 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:42,400 Or this. 258 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:43,880 HE BELCHES 259 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,920 HE LAUGHS 260 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:48,640 HE BELCHES 261 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:49,920 HE LAUGHS 262 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:51,920 Or this? 263 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:53,880 HE LAUGHS 264 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:55,640 HE BELCHES 265 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,280 HE LAUGHS 266 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,720 Ah, sorry, mate! 267 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:02,480 HE LAUGHS 268 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:05,640 It's about as annoying as it gets. 269 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:11,520 - You wanted to see me? - Yeah. 270 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:18,480 I'm going to have to let you go. 271 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,160 What! What for?! 272 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:23,040 I can't have you spreading your negativity around the workplace. 273 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,560 I don't know what you mean! 274 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,480 'I hate my job. I hate my job.' 275 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:35,040 'I hate it, hate it, hate it! Hate my job. I hate my job.' 276 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:36,320 How did you get in...? 277 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:37,360 BELL SOUNDS 278 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:39,080 Who's that? That's... 279 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,800 Now THERE'S a guy who hates his job. 280 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:43,600 HE WITTERS PITIFULLY 281 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:50,760 OMINOUS, EERIE MUSIC 282 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:06,000 It's... 283 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:09,720 DOOR CLOSES 284 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,440 So you bought yourself a new motor. 285 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:15,400 ENGINE REVS 286 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,320 A yellow motor! 287 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:18,800 ENGINE REVS 288 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,600 What were you thinking? 289 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,040 Can I have a roll and chips, please? 290 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:33,920 HE SINGS RAGGA TUNE 291 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,440 HE JOINS IN 292 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:42,440 - What you daein'? - Joining in. - But I don't know you, mate. 293 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,760 - Aye, all right... - I don't know you! 294 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,040 HE EXHALES 295 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,560 JAUNTY JAZZ TUNE PLAYS 296 00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:13,640 HE LAUGHS 297 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:21,160 MUSIC FADES 298 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,640 KISSES BECOME AUDIBLE 299 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:44,800 May God forgive me for what I'm about to say, 300 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:48,000 but sometimes I wish it was you that was in that water! 301 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,400 Jokin'! 302 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:57,280 - STONED DRAWL: - Fuckin'... Minding my own business. 303 00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:58,800 DOORBELL 304 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:03,880 Your neighbour isn't in. Would you mind signing for this? 305 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:05,040 What? 306 00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:06,800 Recorded delivery. For your neighbour. 307 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:09,120 Just put a note through their door to say you've got it. 308 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,160 Right. 309 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:13,080 'Back tae the telly. Homes Under The Hammer, a good yin. 310 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:15,800 'Somebody'd bought a barn, wanted to dae it up. 311 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,160 'I thought, "Dee-Dee, who you fuckin' kidding?" 312 00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,120 'What's in that box? 313 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:24,320 'I thought, "Come on, don't start, Homes Under The Hammer, tune in." 314 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:27,640 'Wee voice went, "Dee-Dee, sitting there's a box 315 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,400 '"and you don't know what's in it." 316 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:31,240 'I mean, who has a box in their hoose 317 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:34,560 'and they don't even know what's in it? Isnae right! 318 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:37,480 'I just thought, "Gonnae drap it? Take your mind aff it!" 319 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:40,480 'Look, there's Jeremy Kyle - you happy? 320 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:43,680 'This Morning, Judge Judy, Loose Women, fuckin'... 321 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,400 'Cash In The Attic, Bargain Hunt, Flog It! 322 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:50,320 'Fuckin'...Murder She Wrote, Midsomer Murders, Heartbeat. 323 00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:54,360 'Fuckin'...Alan Titchmarsh! We can get through this! Get rid of it. 324 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:57,360 'Papped it ootside his door, his problem. 325 00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:59,360 'Aye, but then I thought, 326 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:02,720 'Dee-Dee, "What if it gets knocked, or somebody wrecks it?" 327 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,560 'Wee glue-sniffer makes his way up here, or a fox. 328 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,800 'You'll get the blame! But what if he knocks it himself? 329 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,880 'Makes you buy him a new one, so he ends up wi' two? 330 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:15,480 'You better believe you have tae sign for the new wan, as well. 331 00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:16,680 'Doin' your nut in again. 332 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,800 'You dumping it again, him bumping it again. 333 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:23,360 'Two become four, four become eight, eight become...whatever it is. 334 00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:27,120 'Started chapping doors to palm it off to somebody else. 335 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,200 'But naebody would help. Naebody was in. 336 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:32,480 'Too busy working, thinking aboot themselves. All bar one.' 337 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,080 Aye, right! 338 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:35,760 'Didn't know what tae dae.' 339 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:39,320 'Couldn't have it inside, outside, couldn't let it oot ma sight. 340 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:40,840 'Stumped. Trapped. 341 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,040 'I'd only one option left.' 342 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,600 TV BLARES FROM NEXT DOOR 343 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:54,160 All right? 344 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:03,320 I'm no' angry. 345 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:07,080 I'm disappointed, but I'm not angry. So here's what I'm going to do. 346 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:10,040 I'm going to turn around, I'm going to shut my eyes, 347 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,800 and I want whoever took the plate to put it back 348 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,960 and I'm willing to draw a line under it, right there. 349 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,800 OK? OK. 350 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:30,800 Oh, thank God. Thanks for coming over. 351 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:33,720 What's this all about? You didn't make any sense on the phone. 352 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:37,120 - He's goin' about with one of them on his heid. - Ha-ha! What for? 353 00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:41,120 I don't know. It's no' funny! Gonnae just get him to stop? 354 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:03,040 Get oot! 355 00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:06,400 I'm sorry Irene. He's right, it's good! 356 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:07,880 See you later. 357 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:12,400 You'll see him now! Get oot! The two of yous! Oot! 358 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:21,920 Irene? I'm.... 359 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,640 CHEESY REGGAE PLAYS 360 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:34,280 - SMASHING SOUND - Oh, sorry! 361 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,000 ANNOYING LAUGH 362 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,800 This really is as annoying as it gets, eh? 363 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:42,320 Well, how about this one last thing? 364 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:45,960 BELCHING, LAUGHING AND CHEESY REGGAE 365 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:48,080 Imagine something like this, eh? 366 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:52,200 True story. 367 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,680 SALESMAN SUCKS HIS TEETH 368 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:05,600 Miaow! 369 00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,440 SALESMAN EXHALES DRAMATICALLY 370 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:15,160 HE HISSES, MEWS AND EXHALES REPEATEDLY 371 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,520 Miaow! 372 00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:33,120 OK. Let's introduce ourselves. I'm Neil. 373 00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:35,200 - My name's Darren. - Hello, I'm Julie. 374 00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,600 Ma name's Jacqueline McCafferty. I lost... 375 00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:40,360 We'll just go through the names first, Jacqueline. 376 00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:42,800 'I was on that stupid group therapy...' 377 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,600 - I'm Kerry. - I'm Nadine. - I'm Vince. 378 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:48,920 So, Jacqueline, do you want to share? 379 00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:51,880 I lost three year of my life tae hero-ine. 380 00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:54,560 Another five tae a methadone programme meant to get us off it 381 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,120 but that's me clean now! 382 00:24:56,120 --> 00:25:00,720 I haven't thought once about going back on the smack, until Tuesday. 383 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,360 Washing machine broke. Neighbour says, "You flooded us! 384 00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:05,840 "Third time this month!" I was like, "It's the second!" 385 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,480 Third? Second? Third? Second? Stressed oot the eyeballs! 386 00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:11,880 Felt like daein' a charge of kit into my arm there and then! 387 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:13,760 So here I am. 388 00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:15,680 I know how you feel. 389 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:20,160 I lost four year of my life to heroin, and four on methadone. 390 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,240 That's me been out of work for about six month now. 391 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:25,520 - The pressure... - Eight year all-in? 392 00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:28,120 You lost like, four year on the hero-ine, 393 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:31,360 - and four year on the methadone? Eight year? - Aye. 394 00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:35,840 Well, same here! I'm five and three, you're nae worse than me! 395 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:37,880 I know. We've all had it bad. 396 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:43,320 - Aye, so... - So I've been unemployed for six months 397 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:46,920 but there's still bills that need to get paid, and the pressure... 398 00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,240 Haud on! You were on the hero-ine for a year more than me 399 00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:50,400 but methadone a year less? 400 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:52,600 I think so? 401 00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:56,600 I lost five on methadone! You only lost four! Methadone's worse! 402 00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:58,640 - Aye, for some! - Methadone's worse! 403 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:03,160 We agree, don't we? Methadone's worse than hero-ine, in't it?! 404 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:06,680 - Well, no' for me! - Oh, no, not for you, not for Princess! 405 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:11,120 Well, I thought a lot about heroin over the last couple of months, 406 00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:14,440 despite having lost everything to it. It's just the pressure. 407 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:16,520 - Lost everything? - Pretty much. 408 00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:18,760 - Lose your daughter to the Social? - My sons? 409 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:21,840 Well, getting two weans back is better than getting one! 410 00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:23,560 I've no' got them back! 411 00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:28,440 - Methadone's worse! - What?! - This isnae a competition, hen! 412 00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:30,440 Can I get a shot? 413 00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:35,040 You've lost three year to heroin, right? Another five tae methadone? 414 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:42,400 Well, I've lost three to heroin, but I only lost three to methadone. 415 00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:49,160 SENTIMENTAL MUSIC 416 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:52,880 Awright? 417 00:26:58,160 --> 00:26:59,720 Come here, you, ya bastard! 418 00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:02,960 Want the plate? Want the plate? 419 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:06,160 There I'll rub your face in it! Gaun', ya bastard! 420 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:10,280 - Oh, my God! What happened? - HE SOBS 421 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,760 TENSE MUSIC 422 00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:05,640 How about YOU? Hmm? 423 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:38,080 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 424 00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:40,080 Hmmmm?